Silentia screma

current status: lost, lackadaisical, undead corpse inside , almost insane

Hey pal! Have you ever had experienced extreme hurt that you wanna scream yet there's no room to yell it out?

I need a place...
A place where I can loose all shit feelings I feel right now.

After I read your message on the screen, tears never hesitate to fell on my messy cheeks. It's good my seatmate wasn't bothered or maybe she just let me since we're stranger to each other.

Truth is really cruel, wasn't it? It doesn't give me warning. It just hit me in second like a bullet right through my soul. Now my soul is in bad state. Every functions of my brain dispersed for a moment. My heart is currently in the operating room. It can't bear the depression. I hate it. I hate being hurt. But this one is too big that I lost my 90% or over of my sanity and reasonableness. I tried to keep my senses . I tried to make things rational but it's like a malfunction robot that mixed up it's program and began to rampage. It tormented my heart and mind. Come hell or high tide, tears just fell unhesitatedly. It just keep falling and I sobbed silently because I don't want anyone around notices it.

Why it's always like this?
Why I allowed this crap take over my bright life?
L-O-V-3 Is really unbearable! ***


After learning the damn truth, I feel like I need not a few but many shots! I want to go back where I used to drink so my memory with my feelings bit by bit EVANESCED. But I know it won't be so effective and it will affect some of my current urgencies.

Since I dunno where to go, I let my slippers settle my destination. I walk like dead on the highway, while thinking what I'm gonna do now. I was wondering if it's now a normal phenomenon for someone who have feel depression, breakdown, bitterness, suffering from love and uhh whatever emotion that is unbearable to walk alone in the street like a lost soul. Then, I glanced my phone and I saw our characters' snapshot smiling together... it doesn't cheer me up. Instead I feel a menthol, bitter-mint within that it burst another batch of tears. My heart was buckled tightly that causes my breath slacking from it's normal beat.I quickly divert my thinking onto something that would stop the provoking emotion. But my mind is currently malfunctioned, what should I do? I think of some persons yet I know it's a burden to hug her and cry it all out to her shoulder. Till I arrived at my rented room. I shut myself to bed and continue the tears I've hold for hours. But I still managed to cry silently on my pillow to avoid trouble to my buddy.

And my weeping continue silently till I fell asleep.



RESULT: head ache and eye bags

T___T

the sudden loss of 'r chief blood [violet mode]

the loss of someone...[breakdown mode]
what should i feel?
I know i supposed to cry
but my head kept tellin' me
why would I?
when years have gone
I used to live without a father in my side
there were no how-are-you's
No...Nothing at all.

I know the death of my father is unpredictive,
unexpected,
no signs at all.
when my father almost loss his breathe, 99% dying...
I just thought if it all flashback to his mind
all his lacks,
defection,
failure for his family:
to his son and daughters
being unable to show the role of a father.

" Ano kaya ang mga huling sambit ng kanyang bibig
at huling laman ng kanyang isip."

Not all wounds get healed
If not doctorized by the person
who caused you agony and trouble within,
time take cares of it.

So I hope they won't demand me right away
to forgive and consider asap
it's because he's now dead
I still believe there's the right time
to lighten all the weights inside.

I know my heart and my mind
will gotta find a way to fix all itself

sayonara.